never forget
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I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.