Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
The “research” scene in every horror movie
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking