Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
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My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous