Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Fluff me with a fork baby
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.