The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
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whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.