Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
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WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat