I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
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*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
How to draw a duck
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
idk what he going thru but i feel him
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you