how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
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When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
cyclists
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.