Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
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Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.