Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
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Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.