Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
You Might Also Like
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…