Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?