Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
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The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Fiction has to make sense.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”