Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
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The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
When you’re Kinky but poor
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes