A huge thanks to the person that did this
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Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”