“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
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Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.