Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
You Might Also Like
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince