I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
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ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.