.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
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KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
One venti cheeseburger please.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire