Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
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My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.