[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
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Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.