Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
You Might Also Like
pizza
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Love this guy
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.