devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
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If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.