You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
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Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Cha-ching is my safe word
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.