What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
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My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed