I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
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Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
🤣😂
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.