God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
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Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
pat pat
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.