It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
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No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
ready to be harvested
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.