It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.