Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
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If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Camping tip: No.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.