[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
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Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Midwest trash talk
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I’m literally crying
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I think about this a lot
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
🚲+physics = winner
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic