[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
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To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again