Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
We have a winner.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.