Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
You Might Also Like
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Oh yeah that’s it
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994