How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
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[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?