Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?