her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
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A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her