My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
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Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.