NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
You Might Also Like
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Cats are still liquid.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken: