9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
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The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.