My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
You Might Also Like
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
what’s more important?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.