dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
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Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
can’t catch a break
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”