A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
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I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Only Americans understand
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.