Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
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“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯