i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
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I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
🙋♀️
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.