“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
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Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
idk flipping houses looks really hard
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great