Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
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when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Is this you?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.