I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
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I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?