my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
You Might Also Like
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
💁🏻♂️
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank