The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
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“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
next question.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect